Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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