Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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