Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
