If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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