She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
