Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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