Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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