so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
