I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
