Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
