I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
