In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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