the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
