My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
