I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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