did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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