i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
