we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
