apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
