I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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