I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
