well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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