grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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