I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
