The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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