i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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