I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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