There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize