There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
