Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
it hurts more in the daytime
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
