No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
