accomplished twins. life is a go
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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