you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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