So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
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