i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
