two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
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