The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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