Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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