Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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