I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Randomize
