i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
