I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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