Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
