Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Randomize
