Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize