Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
