I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
