All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
