So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
