Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize