atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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