My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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