he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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