Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
