A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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