I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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