my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
