I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Randomize
