You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
my shit smells like andre
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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